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CARDBOARD MUMMY GO LA LA iN POUNDLAND!

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MERKIN MYSTERY

When ya say, 
ya husband 'n' stepbrother bin sequestrated 
by aliens, 
Betty Lee, 
what exactly d'ya mean to say?

I mean to say 
that my Bobby Joe bin hijacked 
by them there Mexicans 
's exactly like the President said they would.

OK, Betty Lee, 
I'm gonna go get me the paperwork.

Officer Kinobe was in for a long night.


THIS IS THE FAKE NEWS

These are the FAKE NEWS! Headlines

THE CAPITALISTS HAVE IT IN THE BAG.

It’s the end of history. Face facts, we won.

They pull down the wall. We build another one. 

And you’re paying!

You’re listening to false news 24-7

QUEEN ELIZABETH the Second IS ACTUALLY A MAN!

Roger Glover, a suspected sex offender from Leeds, 

has denied the charge.

George Galloway, 

children’s entertainer and serial monogamist,

has fled to the country, 

following a disastrous attempt at a military moustache.

This is the false news. And now SPORTS!

The Loch Ness Monster has been sighted in Penge. 

Tiger Woods again for no apparent reason. 

Objectivity and integrity have refused to comment.

Meanwhile, David Beckham, the boxer shorts model

And eau de cologne entrepreneur, has been annointed

by the masses for his services to pants.

At the top of the hour. Every half hour! 

These are FAKE NEWS! Headlines

June Brown, the actress who plays Danny Dyer

in the long-running television melodrama, Eastenders,

Has been found alive and well on …

A CONTiNENTAL DOG'S BREXIT

The two Frankfurters entered the diner first, followed by the Hamburger, the Berliner and finally the French toast. The thinner of the Frankfurters, bathed in eau de Cologne, considered the German chancellor's stance vis-a-vis the American-Belgian Waffles crisis with the curious detachment of a captain of industry at three removes away from the Munich beer hall putsch of 1923. The fatter of the two Frankfurters, his deliberations consumed, was more than happy to accommodate US-style additions, provided the syrup agreed to be one of his myspace friends. All four had gone Dutch to spite the French toast. Buttered on the untoasted side only, she was actually British and proud of it, no matter how many sprouts Big Brother Brussels left all over the plate.

To scotch the Welsh rabbit's plans, the Danish pastry had saved everyone's bacon by squeezing orangemen till the pips squeaked in each of the Six Counties. As part of a negotiated settlement, the Ulster Fry was t…

THE PRESiDENT'S BRAINS

In another story the four blondes would have washed up on a canal bank, stripped bare, battered and bruised. They were completely naked, but alive and well, and walking around. Unlike the gumshoe detective who lay dead on the river shore, trench coat still on and a half-smoked cigarette stuck to his lips.

The tallest blonde opened her mouth to say something, and as she did so, the tail and hind legs of a brown rat appeared. The other blondes tried to scream, but as they did, each one in turn spewed out a rat's ass. The dead detective sat bolt upright like something out of Frankenstein, blinked twice and ran off through the trees, shouting: 'I cannot abide freakin' rodents whatsoever'. Together the blondes spat them out and laughed the laugh of dentists on nitrous oxide. The detective, now in pyjamas, was chasing a sexual leitmotiv he'd once met in the John.

Had he not had his dream suppressants, Federal Agent D.D. Cale might have been able to dwell on…

THE SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH OF JEREMY HUNT

The painfully slow and torturous death of the Secretary of State for Health occurred on a Saturday. Much less certain, however, was the manner of his agonising demise. 

In this best of all possible worlds, it was of course merely a matter of time before the Angels of the Nation sought fit to mete out justice. And naturally, it was equally fitting that he should perish at the hands of all those he had wronged in his miserably inadequate and wretched life. It was indeed only fair that the ex-president of Oxford University Conservative Association, the former Head Boy of Charterhouse, the elder son of Lady and Admiral Sir Nick Hunt, the great grandson of Walter Baldwyn Yates, the fourth great grandson of John Scott, first Earl of Eldon, the 29th great grandson of King Henry I, the fourth cousin once removed of Queen Elizabeth II, and the fifth cousin once removed of Britain’s most celebrated fascist should be brutally battered into oblivion by a lynch mob of avenging Angels baying its fur…